Then Now and Always- AU series Chapter 3

[guavejuice]

Banner Made By bissa 666 with special thanks to Kathleen 7wildwaysup.


Author:guavejuice
Pairing:Brian/Justin
Timeline:AU
Beta:Kim predec2 Can't thank you enough!!!
Summary:
"If you can't love yourself, how the hell are you going to love somebody else?" ~RuPaul Charles
Justin's journey to self-acceptance and personal transition is long and winding. Will he learn to love himself as others love him?
A/N:I started writing this series back in December 2015 which officially makes it my first WIP. Please bare with me and wait patiently between updates.
Click Here for previous chapters
Disclaimer:I own nothing but this story.
Comments are love.


Chapter 3

- Dr. Ben Bruckner's Office, Downtown Pittsburgh, December 1, 2005 –

"Come in, sit down," Dr. Bruckner encouraged me as he welcomed me into his office.

I don't know what excited me more - the fact that he looked like one of those dreamboat doctors from a soap opera, or the fact that I was finally here, more than twelve months after I had first looked at my image in the mirror that summer at my parents' cabin in the lake; for once I didn't feel distorted, ashamed or sick to my stomach.

I took a deep breath and sat down in a black leather armchair across from him.

"So….I can see Dr. Peterson gave you the go ahead," he commented, looking at what I presumed was my file before he peered over at me and smiled.

"Yes," I answered, licking my lips and swallowing. My throat felt like it had cotton stuffed inside it, and my lips desperately needed some balm to soothe them all of a sudden. I knew it was mainly due to nerves.

"You do know what's about to happen?" Dr. Bruckner asked me quietly. "We’ll start you off on a low dosage of testosterone every three weeks so we can observe the results, and see how you tolerate the side effects. Today I'll demonstrate how to inject it into your system, but after that you'll be doing the rest of them at home," he explained, his voice soothing and comforting. As he spoke, he opened a box containing a syringe and a vial that was lying on his desk.

"I… I see," I answered, my voice shaking despite my attempt at bravado. I eyed the somewhat large needle a little anxiously, unable to hide my unease as he replied, "That's a nice tattoo you have."

He pointed at the medium-sized tattoo of a scorpion on my upper right shoulder. "If you tolerated that procedure well, you won't have a problem with this," he assured me as I nodded, silently hoping that was true, but not quite convinced.

"It's not that I can't endure pain," I hastened to explain. "Actually, I have a very high pain tolerance level…and I want to go through with it so fucking much." I stopped to compose my thoughts. "It's just that…this is a whole new experience, and I guess it's a fear of the unknown. I know once I do this, there's no going back. But it's what I want, Dr. Bruckner. More than anything."

He nodded at me. "Your anxiety is totally understandable," Dr. Bruckner replied. "That is why we actually recommend that at least one close family member or friend be present for emotional support when a patient takes their first T shot. Is there someone out in the waiting room my assistant can get for you?"

"No, Not exactly," I stammered. Cody had texted me a few weeks ago, telling me he would love to be here with me, and even Daphne had offered to join me, but for some reason I decided I preferred to do this without either one present. In the end, it was my journey to take, and mine alone.

"Okay," Dr. Bruckner replied, intently studying my face to try and gauge my willingness to proceed. "Are we ready, then?" He asked me softly, his face expressing both kindness and patience to go at my pace; a fact that I appreciated.

"Ready as I'll ever be," I answered with a nod, taking a deep breath. I watched as he pressed the tip of the needle lightly against my upper arm before I closed my eyes and rode out the momentary pain as it pierced my skin, knowing in some ways it was a small step, but in other ways it was a very large one. One that would affect the rest of my life.



- Five Months Later -

The physical changes were both rapid and dramatic. After just five months on testosterone, I could definitely detect how my body was starting to transform, and how my mind was starting to react. I decided to follow Dr. Peterson's advice, and document my transitions in pictures I snapped with my digital camera and drawings of myself I drew in my sketchbook. She also recommended I keep a journal where I could write down any thoughts, doubts, or other feelings that I still wasn't able to express out loud. She said I should write letters to my family members, since I still didn't feel comfortable confiding in any of them, and I hadn't told them anything about me since I had left the previous summer. They didn't make any effort to try and find me, but even if they had I wouldn't have dared speak to them, even on the phone, because then my mom would have obviously realized that my voice had changed and she would freak out. I ended up sending a belated New Year's greeting card to Molly, but I couldn't quite explain everything. I kept hoping, though, that somehow she'd understand.

The constant changes I could detect every day fascinated me, and filled every waking minute of my day. I'd noticed that I'm gaining more muscle mass at focal areas in my body, such as my legs, arms and abdomen. I'm no longer shaving under my arms, and I have much more hair on my body, including on the back of my shoulders and my butt cheeks, which makes me feel like a teenage boy in a deliriously good way. I still have a long way to go, but at this point I already know how to use the binder much better, and I've even mastered the art of packing my pants. Still…it's not a FULL change. I still haven't had any surgery, and I still wasn't sure how I would react if I saw a guy that I liked. I did know that I liked to be with guys more than with girls, but that was different than an actual encounter with another male.

During our weekly sessions, Lindsay – as Dr. Peterson had encouraged me to call her – asked me to point out one meaningful event that had changed the way I saw myself since I had started taking the T shots.

I let out a sigh of anxiety, but also relief, in response to the question I had been dreading that might be asked of me. Up until now, I hadn't told Lindsay about THAT night yet. The night that was still so indelibly etched into my brain. But I knew it had to be told, and in a way I was dying to tell her anyway.

I reached for my back pack pulling a small leather bound photo album from an inside compartment. I opened it and leafed briefly through the pages. Taking a deep breath I peered down to gaze at one particular photo before handing the album over to Lindsay.

Lindsay smiled in delight. "Is that you? You look great!" she exclaimed sincerely as I nodded. I leaned forward slightly to take another look at the picture. I remembered that night at the club. I remembered it so vividly, maybe too vividly, but the thing is I simply couldn't wrap my brain around the idea that the image Lindsay was staring at was me.

"Who's this guy with you?" Lindsay asked, a note of interested curiosity in her voice.

Ahh…THAT guy…

I took a deep breath. My eyes were firmly fixed on this guy in the picture. God, those moss green eyes, the firm jaw line, his scruffy look, and his full head of chestnut hair… The way he held his drink and slightly leaned into me with our shoulders brushing against each other's when my friend Daphne snapped the picture with her digital camera still made my heart beat rapidly.

"I… his name's Brian," I answered her softly, my voice catching slightly. A sudden fluttering in the pit of my stomach took me by surprise. How could it be that even a brief mention of his name four weeks after that night still made me feel this way? That's not how it was supposed to happen. I wasn't supposed to be attracted to him. Not like THAT, anyway.

"Want to tell me more about him?" Lindsay pressed gently.

"There's not much to tell, actually," I mumbled awkwardly, holding back the urge to burst into tears. Fucking Hormones.

"It's okay," she reassured me. "Take your time. I'll make myself some herbal tea while you gather your thoughts. Would you like some?" she offered.

"Yes, thank you," I answered, grateful for the temporary diversion. A few minutes later, I wrapped my hands around the thick, ceramic mug she handed me with a smile. The warm, fragrant liquid slid down my throat, and I felt I could slightly relax. "It was my 22nd birthday," I started, folding my legs under me on the sofa located in the corner of Lindsay's office.

"Is that when you met Brian?" Lindsay asked.

"I think so…" I answered her in a quiet voice. "I mean, I think he noticed me first, but I was afraid to acknowledge it. I can't deny that I felt an immediate attraction to him, but my head was spinning like crazy. It was as if my body wanted one thing, but my head went in a different direction, you know? Plus, Daphne just wouldn't stop pointing out to me that the guy was staring at me the whole time. I only had one Vodka Tonic that night, but for some reason I felt really drunk." My words began to tumble out now. "So when the guy eventually approached us and introduced himself, Daphne couldn't help blurting out that it was my birthday, and then she convinced him to pose for a picture with me." My mind drifted back to the scene in that loud, crowded nightclub as I recalled his arm around my shoulder, the warmth of has hand feeling like it was almost burning right through my shirt.

"Justin?"

Lindsay's quiet calling out of my name brought me back to the present as I told her, "I thought that was it, but then when Daphne and I walked outside and stood in the alley to have a smoke, there he was, taking a drag of his joint and staring at me once again. Yeah, I know, I should have listened to all the alarm bells that were ringing in my head back then, but I didn't. I might have smiled back at him or something, I don't remember, but one thing led to another and before I knew it I found myself sitting beside him in his Jeep with Daphne in the back seat. I remember Daphne asking him to drop her off at her apartment, but I honestly don't remember much after that. I must have dozed off in Brian's Jeep, because when I woke up I found myself in this huge loft overlooking downtown Pittsburgh, and the only light I could see was from the streetlights outside." I shook my head. "What was I thinking, going to this man's loft at 1 a.m. on a weekend?" I asked her in disbelief. "I didn't know anything about him."

"Come on, don't be so hard on yourself," Lindsay replied soothingly as she smiled gently at me. "You're a good looking young man, you're over 21…you have wishes and desires and feelings just like everyone else."

"And what if….What if something HAD happened? I mean, what if things had gotten too…intimate, and he realized that I wasn't…that things weren't…?" I rubbed my eyes in frustration, my face warming merely at the thought of how embarrassing that would have been.

"Relax, Justin. I can understand the fear and confusion you must have felt at that particular moment; it's only natural that you would feel that way." Her voice softened as she smiled at me again reassuringly.

"I think those feelings of fear and confusion that I felt back then are threatening to take over again right now, " I answered her, my voice trembling as I threw by head back and closed my eyes shut.

"It's okay," I heard Lindsay say. "Take a deep breath; you're in a safe place here, Justin." I opened my eyes again as she told me, "You don't have to continue this conversation if you don't feel like it."

"No, I want to!" I cried out loud in anguish. "Don't you see?" I covered my face with the palms of my hands in growing despair. "I need to know what to do!"

"It's your choice, I don't want to pressure you," She told me as she reached over to grasp my hand in her smaller one. "Yes, I'm here to listen, and to guide you toward the right decision for you. But in the end, only you can decide who you truly want to be."

I nodded, knowing she was right. "I know," I whispered. "But I'm so confused."

"This is why you're here, Justin. To eliminate for good any fears, doubts, or second thoughts once you decide to fully commit to your transition. You do know that there's no turning back and no regrets once you reach a certain point in all of this, don't you?" She flashed an understanding look my way, but I could detect the seriousness in her voice.

"No regrets," I repeated Lindsay's words quietly, slowly rolling those words off my tongue. "It's exactly what Brian said," I murmured.

"So you two met again after that night?" Lindsay inquired, curious.

"No, but that same night – after I apologized and said that I couldn't possibly stay with him at the loft – he took me back to my place. While he drove, we talked a bit more about life and the choices that you make…he told me he's always lived by his own rules, No apologies…no regrets, "

Lindsay nodded, intrigued. "What did you tell him about yourself?" she asked softly, both of them realizing what she was really asking.

My lips pressed into a thin line as he revealed, "I didn't tell him about me…not about…this. About my change. I just couldn't. I think I was afraid what his reaction would be. But later, after he left, I got so angry with myself that I couldn't sleep. I stayed up half the night, drawing sketch after sketch, trying to forget about that night…about him. But I couldn't, no matter HOW hard I tried." I laughed bitterly. "I think I must have wadded up a whole dumpster worth of drawings that night."


"You know you'll have to be honest with him," Lindsay replied. "Especially if you want him to be an integral part of your journey," she explained.

I huffed at the thought. "That might prove to be a challenge," I told her dryly. "Since I haven't heard anything from him in the past four weeks. I don't even know how to contact him." My throat closed up with emotion as I wondered why this particular guy had affected me so much from the first moment I had seen him. My eyes watered as I silently berated myself for my immature reaction.

"Is there anyone in your family you could at least talk to, confide in about your decision?" She inquired.

"None that I can think of." I sighed. "There's Daphne, of course, but I can't possibly expect her to be there for me ALL the time."

"Hmm…" Lindsay nodded thoughtfully to herself as she wrote something down on her writing pad. She seemed detached all of a sudden, making me worry. She continued to remain quiet as she furiously wrote on her pad until I couldn't stand it anymore.

"This is it, then?" I asked, suddenly feeling really deflated. Up until now, I had felt comfortable enough to discuss my most private thoughts and concerns with my therapist – things I had never even told my closest friend, Daphne – and now Lindsay seemed distant and almost cold, like all those other therapists I had endured over the past few years and had felt no connection with whatsoever. Had I been wrong about her being different?

"Yes, I think so," she told me to my dismay, virtually confirming my fears. I had really felt she had been supportive of my dream, but now I began to wonder if telling her about Brian had been a big mistake.

I nodded, swallowing hard and trying furiously not to show how disappointed I was. Nevertheless, my voice cracked slightly as I rose on wobbly feet to start heading toward the door. "Okay," I managed to say without my voice breaking again. "It was stupid of me to think it would work anyway. I hope I didn't waste too much of your time. Thank you, though, for listening." I turned around to head toward the door when Lindsay's voice stopped me.

"Justin, what are you talking about? Come back and sit down," she urged me softly.

I frowned, pushing down any hope I still had that I might have misunderstood. But why had she stopped me, then?

"Why are you leaving?" she asked me, her brow furrowed with concern as she peered over at me in surprise. She motioned with her hand for me to come back over to the couch.

I hesitated for a few moments before following her request, sitting on the edge of the cushion as I stared back at her uncertainly. "I…I thought you had decided that I wouldn't be a good candidate for the next stage of my transition. I thought you felt as if these sessions had been a waste of your time."

Lindsay's mouth dropped open in shock. "Why would you think that?"

I licked my lips nervously. "Well…I saw you writing something down, and not looking at me like you normally would. So I thought maybe you were avoiding looking at me because you had decided to terminate our sessions."

Lindsay shook her head. "No…no, that's not it at all!" she assured me firmly. "I always have to document thoroughly my recommendations for GRS, that's Gender reassignment surgery." She explained, reaching over to grab her prescription pad to scribble something down as I watched, too stunned to reply. "This is a referral for you to see Dr. Ted Schmidt at Allegheny Hospital. When it comes to being a skilled surgeon in this area, he's the best there is." I reached out with a shaky hand to take the paper from her, peering down at the information to make sure there was no question I had heard her correctly.

"You're…you're recommending me for the procedure?" I asked her as she nodded. I couldn't help smiling back at her in immense relief.

"Yes. Dr. Schmidt will go over all your options, as well as what the procedure entails." She smiled back at me warmly now. "I think you're as ready as you'll ever be. So there's no point in wasting anymore time. Agreed?"

"I … I don't know what to say," I answered her, trying to hold my emotions in check, but failing miserably. This was what I had been dreaming about for so long now, that it almost seemed like it wasn't real. "Really?" I blinked back my tears of relief and happiness.

"Really," she told me, her smile still in place. "We'll still continue your sessions," she explained. "But I think it's time for you to take the next step in the meantime. So I'll look for you here the same time next week, okay?"

I smiled through my tears. "Yeah. More than okay." I stood up and turned to go, but then hesitated. "Lindsay?"

"Yes?"

"Thanks." I watched as she rose from behind her chair and walked around her desk to face me. Unexpectedly she swept me up into a brief hug, whispering in my ear, "You can do this, Justin," before she let go of me. "See you next week."

I nodded, turning to walk back over to the door. As I closed it behind me, I leaned back against it, so many emotions washing over me. With one more smile, I pushed away from the door and headed toward the elevator, the referral – my start to a new beginning – clutched tightly in my hand.


TBC...