Doubts- B/J one shot

[guavejuice]

Banner:Kim predec2 thank you so much!!!


Author:guavejuice
Pairing:Brian/Justin
Timing:Post 513
Beta:Kim predec2 Can't thank you enough, darling!
A/N: contians Justin/others
Justin's POV
Disclaimer:I own nothing.
Randy's pic in banner taken from Harbor.
Comments are love.

I look at my reflection in the mirror after I brush my teeth and put the brush back in it's place. My brush is not alone. There's another one standing there. It belongs to Drake. He's the guy I live with now.

I'm not with Brian anymore, in case you're wondering. I was actually wondering why he offered to try out a long-distance relationship in the first place. He was so persistent, so adamant when he asked me to marry him that he proposed twice, and when I asked him if he was having any doubts he said he didn't have one.

When he held onto me to kiss me, I closed my eyes and kissed him back, grabbing the back of his neck, feeling relieved but also frightened to let go.

I guess I knew why.

Everyone told me that Brian was not and would never be the marrying kind. Everyone, including Brian himself, kept telling me that he follows his dick and not his heart, but there were so many times he proved to me that it wasn't true.

I never doubted his intentions and knew he wanted the best for me; I knew that was the main reason he encouraged me to go to New York City, but that night when we clung to each other for the last time I couldn't hold back the tears when he collapsed on top of me because I knew he might not be able to stay committed after I'm gone.

The first few months in New York City were tough not just because I had to start from scratch, but because he wouldn't call or even text me. When I asked him about it he said he was busy and that he didn't want to bother me and keep me from realizing my dreams.

God, that stubborn, beautiful asshole. I should have known he was already back to tricking, because that was the only pain management method he knew.

I never wanted to go to NYC. I told him that. I've had my share of broken promises, but I meant it when I said he was the only one who never broke a promise.

I'm suddenly startled when Drake calls me from the bedroom asking what's taking me so long. I look at myself in the mirror again and I rather like what I see, but I can't seem to make the hole at the pit of my stomach go away.

Drake and I met a few months after I arrived in New York at a friend's party. He's tall, dark and rather handsome and he's a sweet and considerate lover, but he's not him.

Call me crazy but I can't get him out of my mind.

I can't.

As I'm about to turn away from the bathroom mirror, I feel two strong arms hugging me from behind. It's nice to feel the warmth of another man close by, but I miss his scent. his ragged voice, his sarcastic remarks and the way he rolls his tongue in his cheek. I miss his soft skin on mine, his full, thick cock inside me.

I miss him.

I know that by hanging onto those past images of Brian I'm probably denying myself the possibility of another relationship with a man that's willing to be here for me, but I can't help it.

I'm not in love with Drake. I'm in love with Brian.

I slowly wrap my arms around him, slightly caressing Drake's skin. I feel his cock pressing into my ass, but for some reason I resist the urge to push back.

"Listen, Drake," I say and pause. "I might have to go to Pittsburgh tomorrow. On business. And some private matters." I continue, looking at our reflections in the mirror. I never noticed how miserable I looked until now

"When will you be back?" Drake asks, trying to lean into me.

"I don’t know," I say. "I think… I think we need some time off," I blur out.

"So… this is it? It's over?" he asks incredulously.

"I didn't say it was over; I just feel I need to… take a break," I try to explain.

"When a guy says he needs to take a break it's usually because he wants out." Drake sounds pissed. I can't blame him, but I feel torn apart and too tired to argue or state my point of view about open relationships.

We stand in silence a few more minutes until I start to feel restless.

"I think I'd better sleep in the guest room tonight," he says abruptly. Fuck, I can't be bothered really. I know it sounds like I'm a fucking jerk, but I just can't stand the all- consuming burden of doubts and the burning tangible desire to be in Brian's arms again.

I know Brian's fucking around, but I'm not thinking about it now. I know I may not be able to change that in him, but I still believe it can happen.

He's the only man I've ever loved. That's one thing I know without a shred of doubt.