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"If you can't love yourself, how the hell are you going to love somebody else?" ~RuPaul Charles
Justin's journey to self-acceptance and personal transition is long and winding. Will he learn to love himself as others love him?
A/N:I started writing this series back in December 2015.
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Disclaimer:I own nothing but this story.
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~ Later that night, Justin's apartment ~
"Hi, Brian; come on in."
"This is a cool place. Do you own it?" he inquired, taking off his black leather jacket.
"I wish...but, no, there's no way I could afford this kind of place on my own at the moment. My friend Daphne and I share this place, and we split the rent," I explained. "She's in her final year of nursing school, so she's at work now. She always prefers the night shift."
"So, what was it you wanted to talk about?" he asked.
I took a deep breath and invited him to sit in the living room. "I'll be away for a few days, because I'll be undergoing my surgery; my top surgery," I blurted out before I lost my nerve, trying to get it over with as quickly as possible.
I noticed Brian’s eyes grow wide before he replied, “Oh. I get it.”
"You do?" I responded, a little skeptical.
"Well, I guess I'll never fully know what you’re going through, because I've never experienced anything like it, but, yeah, I can understand why you would need to do it," he said, his eyes fixed on me the entire time.
I swallowed hard, trying to compose myself. "It's actually a one-day thing," I explained. "If everything goes well, I'll be out and about the next day; at least that's what my friends have told me.”
"Would you like me to be there with you?" he offered.
I stared at Brian agape; I never thought he would actually consider that. "I'm really not sure,” I stammered. “I mean, I do appreciate your offer, but...I don't want you to feel obliged, or uncomfortable, or anything..." my voice trailed off as I suddenly felt awkward. “Can I ask you something?”
He shrugged. “Sure.”
“Why would you offer to do that for me?”
He seemed a little hesitant before he replied, “I wish I had been as open as you’re being when I had to deal with some serious shit in my own life. Maybe it’s my way of making up for that.”
I sat there looking at him. I didn't want to pry, but I felt he was about to tell me something important about himself. "It was a long time ago; I'm fine now," he quickly assured me. "But it wasn’t always that way.” He stopped to take a breather.
"What happened...?" I asked.
He averted his eyes downward as he replied, “Nothing specific; just a culmination of a lot of things when I was growing up. I needed help. But back then I was too damn arrogant or scared or proud to let other people know I needed them to care for me. I literally kept everyone away – including Debbie – and since there was no one in my fucking family who particularly cared about me, I had to go through it by myself," he told me as his eyes lifted to meet mine.
My heart went out to him as he set there on my sofa, folding his long, lean legs under him. I slowly moved towards him, wrapping my arms around his shoulders and resting my head at the crook of his neck.
"Fuck, I need a drink," he murmured after several moments as I heard him sigh.
I leaned back to look into his eyes as I told him, "Sorry, I can't offer you a drink, because I don't have any.” I smiled, however, as a tantalizing thought came to me. “But maybe I could offer you something else to take away some of your stress.” I couldn’t believe how bold I was being, but it sent a thrill down my spine as I watched his eyes darken with interest.
He smirked. “Well, then I’ll have what YOU’RE having,” he told me as I slid to the floor and sat on my knees, facing him. I kept my eyes fixed on his as I snaked my hands inside his pants and cupped his balls. He flinched just a bit when I squeezed his left ball. "That’s the false one," he explained, his voice sounding strained. I swear I had never even noticed it the other night in bed. I would have never suspected anything if he hadn’t disclosed it to me, which had surprised me, considering I’d had some experience with prosthetic male genitalia.
"They had to replace the damaged one with a false one after my brush with the big C…" Brian continued of his own accord after a slight pause.
I looked up at him not quite sure if I can make sense of it all until it suddenly hit me. "You mean you had prostate cancer?" I asked quietly.
He nodded without a word.
"So sorry Brian, I didn't know that," I replied.
"You couldn't have known Justin because I didn't tell you anything about it until now," he said.
The trust he was bestowing on me, though, made me feel more connected to him at that moment than ever before.
"Do you want me to stop?" I asked quietly. He looked at me and shook his head no before he threw his head backwards, his hand grabbing the back of my head. It felt great just to cradle his balls with my fingers, so I kept on going. I slid my fingers up and down his shaft, and in and out of his slit. I smiled at him when he let out a deep moan, quickly removing my tee shirt and pants, and leaving just my black boxer briefs on.
Now it was Brian’s turn. I helped him undress down to his briefs as well, pleased for some reason that we were wearing the same color. I tugged on the elastic band of his briefs, pulling them down with one hand as I continued to pump his dick with my other hand until shiny drops of pre-cum adorned the bright red, mushroom-like head. I then leaned even closer to him and rested my head on his thigh before taking his dick in my mouth, licking and sucking until he came hard and generously down my throat, letting out one low, passionate cry.
"That was fucking hot," he told me breathlessly after a few minutes, his voice still coarse and gravelly. He shifted slightly and looked at me with an intense gaze. I smiled back at him and licked my lips. "That was just for you," I whispered, lifting myself off the floor. I flopped on the sofa beside him and leaned into him to lock our lips in a deep, noisy kiss, still feeling his taste in my mouth.
"You look great," I heard him say quietly as he studied me.
"I'd better be; I'm working my butt off for this body," I retorted as he grinned. I realized how that might have sounded as I told him, “I’m not saying that to appear conceited or anything. But you see, for me it’s not just about being buff and impressing others. It’s about taking care of myself," I explained. "I've got a long way to go, but I think I'm getting there," I added with conviction, feeling his fingers absently drawing small circles on the top of my shoulders.
"Maybe we can work out together to keep you that way," he suggested.
"Do you mean it?" I asked, quite surprised.
"Yeah, why not? All my friends go to that gym," he said.
"My point exactly," I replied, feeling anxiety swelling inside me. "Wouldn't they feel uncomfortable seeing you there with me?"
"Fuck what they think,” Brian growled. “The only reason they might feel uncomfortable is because you’re in better shape than they are," he answered, his finger brushing against my jaw line and then across my torso before traveling further down along my treasure trail, stopping just under my belly button. "You're so fucking hot," he whispered huskily, closing the space between us again for another breathless kiss.
"Will you tell them about me? You know, about…” My voice trailed off as I gazed into his eyes afterward, certain he knew what I meant.
I was right as Brian shook his head, immediately ascertaining what I was trying to ask. "Not until you feel comfortable enough to do that yourself," he assured me, his voice deep and soothing.
"Do you really mean that?" I asked.
"Yeah I do," he answered. “It’s no one’s business unless you choose it to be.”
“I appreciate that,” I told him, touched by his willingness to let me decide. “By the way, it would be great if you could be there for me next week; that is, if you think you could handle MY friends," I added with a twinkle in my eye.
"Yeah, I'm totally incapacitated with fear at the thought," he said, tucking his tongue inside his cheek.
"They're not that bad," I smiled. "But you see, we've got this inside joke between us about men like you," I said.
"Men like me?" he raised an eyebrow at me.
"Promise you won't get too offended?" I reached out and intertwined his right hand fingers with mine.
Now I could tell he was very curious, as well as perhaps a bit wary. "Should I be?" he asked.
"Well, I don't think so, but, still...you see, you’re a CIS guy, which means…"
"I know what it means, Justin," he told me, smiling at me reassuringly.
"You do?" I breathed a small sigh of relief.
"I've done my research," he replied, smirking at me and causing me to blush.
"I guess you have," I answered back. "Okay then. Since we've got that one covered, I think now might be a good time for a demonstration." I wiggled my eyebrows at him. "I'm about to share my secret stash of goodies with you. This way, Mr. Kinney," I urged him saucily, leading him towards my bedroom before I lost my nerve.
I pushed him onto the mattress and ordered him to lie still as I pulled out my treasure chest of sex toys from the drawer in my night stand. He didn't seem to object; on the contrary, his eyes darkened in anticipation as I started to lay out various dildos, butt plugs, and anal beads in front of him.
"I have to say, yours is almost as big as mine," he quipped as he eyed the largest-sized dildo.
"Careful; size is still a sensitive subject for me," I chuckled as I felt a looming, dysphoric moment coming, but then I took a deep breath and looked into his eyes, knowing he wouldn't say or do anything that might trigger my anxiety. Brian was a CIS man, after all. On the other hand – no pun intended – it seemed totally natural for him to be joking with me about the size of my collection. That thought alone alleviated my anxiety, and I threw myself beside him.
"I'll have to come check YOUR collection soon, then,” I teased him in a low voice. "But right now I feel like trying THIS one." Taking a deep breath to try and slow my racing pulse, I dangled one of my favorite dildos in front of him. He smirked again, but didn't speak as I pulled out my favorite harness from the box. “I have to use this for obvious reasons," I explained to him huskily, surprised that I didn’t feel more nervous than I did.
"Roll over," I urged him softly. I was relieved to see how easily he complied as I pulled off my briefs and adjusted the dildo into the ring at the front of the harness, and then attached the back of the dildo – where the surface was ridged and not smooth – to the lower part of my body. Once I felt comfortable enough with everything, I grabbed the bottle of lube from my night stand and smeared it extensively over the silicon dick, and in and around Brian's opening. He jerked slightly at the sensation of the cool lube on his skin, but I reached out to caress his lower back to relax him. As I began to nudge his opening with the slick head of the dick, he twitched again, and I felt I needed to stop to accommodate him.
"Are you okay?" I asked softly. "Do you want me to stop?"
"No, it's just that I can't remember the last time I bottomed," he answered candidly.
"That's okay, I'll go slow,” I assured him, feeling honored that he was entrusting me with this most intimate of actions.
And so I did. I situated myself on top of him, grabbed him by his waist, and slowly inserted the tip of the dick inside the first ring of muscles around his opening. He hissed and grabbed the bed sheets, and I stopped to allow him to adjust. Then as I felt him relax his muscles, I started to thrust deeper inside, riding the waves of joy as his body trembled under mine. As I sensed the ridged part of the dildo brushing against my lower part, we increased our pace and rhythm together until we literally reached our peak and came, utterly sated and overjoyed.
"Oh, wow. I never knew it could be like this," he said, his voice still raspy and low.
"You're amazing," was all I could manage to say. I quickly released the straps of the harness from my body and put it aside, resting my head in the crook of Brian's neck.
We stayed lying together for a bit longer. We might have even drifted off into a short, satisfied slumber, but then I could hear him shifting next to me and lifting himself off the mattress.
"You okay?" I asked quietly as he stood to stand beside the bed.
He nodded, smiled and leaned down to caress my forehead before rising to stand again, peering at the wall behind my bed as something caught his eye. "That’s interesting; very interesting," I heard him comment while I was still under the covers.
"What?" I asked in a raspy voice.
"Some days are mountains and other days are hills. The point is you climb them,” he read out loud.
"Oh, that," I said, realizing he'd noticed the large, decorative plaque that was hanging above my headboard. "I usually don't believe in those kind of things, but this one was a gift from Cody. It’s helped me a lot throughout my journey so far, and I still believe in it," I said.
"It actually makes a lot of sense," Brian replied as he slid back down onto the bed next to me, leaning his back against the headboard. "I think I can actually understand it myself. It's like 'fuck it, you're still here, and nothing else matters.’ It reminds me of this ride I participated in shortly after I'd recovered," he told me, pressing his lips tightly together as if he were deciding whether to proceed. He shook his head. "Fuck, I don't even know why I'm talking about this now. You have your own issues to cope with; you don't need to hear my shit," he decided with a frown.
"Not at all, Brian. I'd like to know more about you, as long as you're willing to share, that is," I told him.
He nodded. "It was something called the Liberty Ride. It was a bicycle ride from Pittsburgh to Toronto and back to raise money for charity. Long story short, I decided I had to go to prove to myself I could overcome my issues, my demons, call them what you will. And I did. I prevailed, despite the fact that I broke my collarbone halfway through the course," he mentioned.
"How did that happen?" I asked, kissing him softly on his shoulder.
"Never mind," he mumbled, appearing awkward for some reason. “The ‘how’ isn’t important. It’s the fact that I persevered despite it.”
"Well, it sounds like you had an incredible ride just as well. Maybe we could go on one of those rides one day? We could sleep in a tent and have wild sex under the stars," I exclaimed as he rolled his eyes dramatically, but then he looked back at me with his stunning, deep, moss-green eyes before declaring, "You're such an amazing person, Justin. And just so you know, I don't use that adjective lightly," he told me, making me blush as my heart swelled with happiness.
"Thank you," I told him softly as I smiled at him, playfully biting him on his chin. Snuggling deeper into his body, I felt myself drifting off to sleep, safely nestled in Brian’s arms.